at the sound of the beep, leave your name and a brief message

My son finally called me last night; he is traveling but having a wonderful time and, alas, also in a zone without cell service. I'm just happy I caught the call, as admittedly the telephone is a neglected appliance in this household.

There are reasons for this:

1. My kids are usually making a lot of noise, obsuring the sound of the ring
   
2. My kids have taken the phone and hid it so that I hear it but see it not
   
3. I'm not home and cell phones don't work in this zone
4. I am not really comfortable with the telephone in general and feel it's an inadequate form of communication
   

This irritates untold legions. In fact, I think if pressed to come up with the singlemost annoying aspect of being associated with me, it would be this. Ask my friends; they've left their testimonials on my voice mail. These are verbatim quotes.

Beep: Sharon. This thing: is called a phone. It rings and then how it works is, you ANSWER IT. Call me and tell me how you're doing. Bye.

Beep: I don't know why your voice message says you'll call back as soon as you can because we both know that's a big, fat lie.

Beep: [obviously a telemarketer waiting for me to pick up] You oughta try this, it's good. *pause* *distant giggles* I'm not joking you, it's good. Here, try some.

Beep: SHA-RON. If you ever answered this thing I don't know what I'd do. CALL ME. Bye.

Beep: Sharon, if you're in the hospital and you didn't tell me, I am going to be so mad at you. Tell me what's going on. Bye.

Beep: I KNOW YOU'RE HOME. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT THERE. PICK UP. *silence.* *more silence*

Beep: Hi. This is the Peter Pan Storyteller, and at the beep, turn the page. Beep. *disgusted pause* I'll call later.

Beep: *heavy sigh*

*click*

Mea culpa. I don't know what else to say.
I might change my voice mail message, though.