Monday, July 24, 2006

the doctors hath spoken.

The doctors hath spoken.

So I was right; (and I know this because the nurse told me so) an ER visit would have done me no good whatsoever because ERs are only equipped to handle hypotensive cases brought on by dehydration, sepsis, and/or shock. Had I gone to the ER this past weekend they would have admitted me, given me a bolus of intravenous fluids, stood around observing me like the lab rat that I am and then sent me home with the exact same instructions I got today:
  1. Stay out of the sun. Period.
  2. Increase salt intake. (read as: all the potato chips you can stand.)
  3. Restrict activity. No Boston Marathons; no pogo-sticking in the driveway.
  4. Change positions slowly. They didn't say how slow. This could be a problem. Your slow might be my fast.
  5. Avoid standing for prolonged periods of time. This rules out shopping at Wal-Mart obviously. Right away we're saving lots of money with this strategy.
  6. Don't drive until this is resolved. Hitchhike; expand your social circle a bit.
(No, they don't want me to hitchhike.)

They're sending me here for treatment. I don't know when; crack teams of cardiac receptionists just ordered cases of Mountain Dew and an XL Domino's Pizza to stay up late and blitz the case tonight. Or something like that.

Am I feeling any better? No, not really. I'd give you my vitals at this time, but maybe we don't know each other well enough for that yet. I'll live, and that is all ye need know. :)