Sunday, July 02, 2006

post toast ala king

When I told Mom I'd post for her again she said I should put up some of my "creative writing."

I said, How about NO.

What she's talking about when she says "creative writing" -- last year for English we had to write things like cinquains and haikus and all that. She saved them all because she has this big box she puts stuff like that in.

I don't look at it much because that's not my thing.

This is the kind of thing I write:

Cops Gone Ape
Scene 1
Fight with a vacuum cleaner.

(Setting: It shows the general and the army at a conference)

General: All right. Sir van Bunny Buns has escaped from prison, and our two greatest men have died in a fatal accident. But I think I have found two replacements that will do just fine. Any questions?

Man at table: Well, who are they?

(The scene goes to the replacement cops walking SLOW-MO on the sidewalk.)(007 music)

(The title appears on screen) COPS GONE APE

Jack: All right. You ready for this party, Kirk?

Kirk: Oh yeah.

(They enter the house.)

Kirk: Now what?

Jack: I have no idea. Well, I might as well clean this place up before our guests arrive. Go get the vacuum cleaner.

Kirk: Dude! Are you sure this is the only vacuum cleaner in the hall closet?

Jack: Well, there's this one.

(he pulls out a dorky looking vacuum. It's green with a cloth bag attached.)

(Kirk moves it around a little bit.)

Kirk: It's not picking up anything! This thing’s a piece of crap! (Jack kicks it)

Vacuum: I’m Fuzzy Wuzzy Man! Can you give me a hug?

Jack: It's demonic! Run away!

Kirk: Wait. Maybe we could make some money with this thing.

(Phone rings)

General: Kirk and Jack. We need you to stop Sir van Bunny Buns. He has escaped from prison and is stuffing poison agents in stuffed animals and is shipping them all over the world.
Your mission is to go into his mansion and search for anything out of the ordinary. Over and out.

Kirk: Hey Jack. We’ve got a mission.

Jack: ...You mean, other than making the vaccuum shut up?

Kirk: Glad you're keeping up with me here, Jack.

Scene 2
Setting: At the general’s place.

General: Now are you sure you can handle this?

Jack: Oh sure, we can definitely handle this.

(Kirk is looking around with his gun and hits Jack with his gun. Jack falls down.)

Kirk: Hum… I thought I heard something.

Jack: (groaning) You did. It was me.

Setting: At Sr. Van Bunny Bun's manor.

(Kirk and Jack are on the porch.)
(Secret Agent Man Music plays in background.)

Kirk:(In walkie- talkie.) Jack, where are you?

Jack: (In walkie- talkie.) Right down the hall.

Kirk: (In walkie- talkie.) where?

Jack: (shouting) RIGHT HERE!

(Kirk nods and walks forward. He trips on a piece of rope.)

Jack: Hey, there’s a guard.

Kirk: shoot em’!

(Kirk fires. The guard falls.)
(A woman screams in the distance).

Jack: Wait. That's not a guard. That's a maid!

Kirk: OOPS.

(They go in the house.)

[I haven't finished the third scene yet, but it's a work in progress and more funny than some cinquain about the night sky.)